We agreed, Ann and I, that as she does the vast bulk of the housework, cooking, DIY, gardening, washing and ironing, sending of birthday cards and general correspondence to family and friends, shopping, sewing plus perceptive, thoughtful planning regarding our negotiation of life’s boulder strewn path, I, when the time came, would fill out the census form.

Seeing as it plops on the front door mat but once every 10 years, I can say no less than I do feel I get by far the better of the deal. Thus when the envelope marked ‘Census 2021’ came through the letter box, I, like a coiled spring, grabbed it, ready for instant action. It was, however, not to be.

Picking it up, I thought it to be somewhat smaller than I had expected; for this there was a reason – it was not a form, as such, to be filled out, but rather an invitation (though command would be a more apt word to use as by law a representative of every household in the land has to complete one) to go online to answer the manifold and myriad questions regarding the lives, customs, habits, ethnicity, ages and so much more of all residing in that dwelling on March 21.

Now the chances of this Luddite dinosaur going online are even less than Argyle’s prospects regarding making the Champions League in the near future. I scanned the instructions for several minutes and, at last, in small print (clearly not really meant to be seen) it gave a number to phone if one wanted a paper form to fill in. With some alacrity I dialled the number; the exercise was both easy and efficient – a voice told me I would be sent a ‘proper form’ (my description as I trust only pen and paper when it comes to documentation) within five working days; and, to give credit where it is due, it was.

Mind you, to call it a form was an understatement; it was a tome the size of a present day phone book. My heart sank; this was a task and challenge which could take days to overcome; perhaps I might not conquer it at all. Mustering all the will power I possess – not a lot – and invoking the ‘Dunkirk Spirit’, I ripped open the envelope and surveyed its contents.

There were instructions, then a 32 page log to fill in. However considerable relief engulfed me when I realised I would only have to attack 40 per cent of it; for the document allowed for there to be up to five inhabitants in the dwelling. As there are only the two of us, thus just a brace needed to be addressed.

Most assuredly, it was minutely detailed. There was more interrogation regarding one’s dwelling than would come from the average estate agent were we trying to sell it. As a gent I know opined to me, ‘They want to know the ins and outs of a cat’s behind’ – although he did not use the term ‘behind’. Names, ages, religion, occupation, gender.

On to the section devoted to ethnic groups; here I was disappointed, for whilst a multitude were listed nowhere was I able to tick ‘Devonian’ or, for Ann, who was born in Padstow, ‘Cornish’. A query I did not answer accurately was the one regarding my mastery of English; I stated that I spoke it ‘very well’. The reality though is that I mumble in a Devonshire accent and use a vast array of dialect words which few beyond our region would understand.

There were sections which bemused, none more than – and I quote – ‘Question 17: Deliberately left blank; Go to 18’. Ours not to reason why. For our 10 month old great-grandson, Edward, there was good news; again I quote – ‘Those under one year old do not need to answer Question 13’. He would have found it hard to get his little fingers around a pen and I’m not sure if completing the form in crayon would be allowable. Having said this, with children so savvy when it comes to technology, it could be that even now he could do something beyond the capabilities of his great-grandfather – going online.

The filling out of this massive, comprehensive missive was not that onerous although it did tend to be tedious. Clearly, though, it has to be done for governments, councils and institutions generally have to know the size, complexity and diversity of the people who inhabit these islands. Hopefully Ann and I will still be about when the next one comes along; one thing is for certain though – if I am I still will not have mastered ‘online’.