Where do you live? What do you do? Where did you go to school? However well meant, such questions enable the questioner to place their ‘interviewee’ in a social box. They answer the question: ‘Do I need to suck up to them or do they need to suck up to me?’ We humans are helpless chickens it seems - in the pecking order sense at least. Asserting social dominance is deeply ingrained in our standard ways of doing ‘small talk’.

There are other questions you can put to a person you’ve just met that don’t require them to reveal their social and economic status. “So, tell me something about you and why you’re here?” for example is a nice and respectful way to give the power to the other person to present themselves in the way they choose.

An 83-year-old white aristocrat called Lady Susan Hussey got into trouble this past week at a Royal reception for repeatedly asking a black woman where she ‘really’ came from. There were witnesses and the line of questioning plus Hussey’s refusal to respond to push back from Ngozi Fulani have been described as bullying, as racism and unacceptable. Hussey left her unpaid role immediately. A recording of her that was available online has vanished, but the transcript is widely reported. It reveals how rude and aggressive she was to her guest at the palace.

Lady SH: “Where are you from?” NF: “Sistah Space.”

SH: “No where do you come from? NF: “We’re based in Hackney.”

SH: “No, what part of Africa are YOU from?”

NF: “I don’t know, they didn’t leave any records.”

SH: “Well, you must know where you’re from, I spent time in France. Where are you from?”

NF: “Here, UK”

SH: “No, but what Nationality are you?”

NF: “I am born here and am British.”

SH: “No, but where do you really come from, where do your people come from?” NF: “‘My people’, lady, what is this?”

SH: “Oh I can see I am going to have a challenge getting you to say where you’re from. When did you first come here?”

NF: “Lady! I am a British national, my parents came here in the 50’s when…”

SH: “Oh, I knew we’d get there in the end, you’re Caribbean!”

NF: “No lady, I am of African heritage, Caribbean descent and British nationality.”

The reaction to Ms Fulani clearly expressed distress

at the way Hussey questioned her has met mixed

responses, many of them critical. “Lady Susan’s 83, she

lived through World-War Two, we should be kinder”

say some. “Her husband only had one leg so she can’t

be racist’ is one of the most absurd – reminiscent of the

‘I’ve got a black friend so I can’t be a white supremacist’

argument.

Hussey may well be 83 but she’s 83 in 2022. That

means she was a teenager at the start of the civil rights

movement in the US, she was 29 when the Beatles

released ‘Why don’t we do it in the road?” and 28 when

homosexuality was decriminalised. She was just four

months old when WW2 started so I’m not sure how she

contributed to the war effort exactly.

I even read commentary from a white vicar describing

Ms Fulani’s reaction as ‘hypersensitive’ which feels a bit

too close to ‘hysterical’ as a criticism – he might as well

have said ‘Calm down dear’.

The questions Hussey put to Ms Fulani were personal

in all the wrong ways. Worse still, the event she was

at, hosted by Queen Camilla, was for women running

charities focused on supporting victims of domestic

abuse. Why didn’t Hussey ask her about the charity she

ran? I’d like to think if I’d been in Ms Fulani’s situation,

I’d have replied to these unpleasant questions with

something like ‘What lush pearls Susie love, where did

you get them from – Primark?’

I’ve no idea if Lady Susan Hussey holds prejudiced

views of black people. Only people who know her well

might have a view on that. What is clear though was that

Hussey behaved with aggression, rudeness, insensitivity

and to onlookers, took power from her privileged position

representing the Royals to interrogate an attendee

who then felt trapped and shocked.

In the response to Ms Fulani, I detect distaste regarding

the confidence with which she reported Hussey’s behaviour.

Female victims are supposed to simper and look

vulnerable perhaps. They’re not supposed to say loudly

‘you treated me badly. I felt bullied by your questions

etc’. In the land of the deserving and undeserving victim,

confident women, especially perhaps confident black

women, are still unacceptable to parts of our establishment.